‘The moment I received that diagnosis I was able to start taking off my mask’

Angela Lawson, a peer supporter supervisor at Cumbria, Northumberland, Tyne and Wear NHS Foundation Trust (CNTW), shares her neurodivergent story to mark Neurodiversity Celebration Week 2023:

As a young child, I can remember feeling distressed at things that others might consider odd. I would get upset at petrol stations; the smell would overwhelm me. When people would sit around the table to eat, every part of me would want to run away. The sounds of knives and forks on a plate, the confusion of multiple people speaking at once, the smells, everything was just too much.

Even from an early age, I knew I was different. But I was told a lot that I was just “too sensitive.” Without realising it, I quickly learned to mask, I learned to hide the distress and the panic that came when I would get overwhelmed in perfectly “normal” situations.

Without realising it, I quickly learned to mask, I learned to hide the distress and the panic that came when I would get overwhelmed in perfectly “normal” situations.

In school, I would get told off for chatting, doodling, or fidgeting. The thing that helped me the most was music, I would try and sneak my headphones into class so I could block the noise of the classroom out and focus, but I’d inevitably be told to take them out. I had bad anxiety, and this would sometimes result in me having panic attacks. There were times I would be taught in isolation because I couldn’t cope with the classroom environment. I floated between friends, I never felt I belonged, and I knew deep down that how I experienced the world was somehow different from others.

I floated between friends, I never felt I belonged, and I knew deep down that how I experienced the world was somehow different from others.

I experienced a difficult upbringing and my mental health illness started at around thirteen. This continued into my mid twenties. During this time, I was given many different labels; anxiety disorder, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, emotionally unstable personality disorder and complex post-traumatic disorder. I had a range of different treatments and therapies. By the age of twenty-eight, and after years of psychotherapy I found myself to be in a really positive place. However, something still wasn’t right.

I knew I wasn’t depressed, but I still found it difficult to be able to motivate myself to do anything. I would still have days where I would find it difficult to move off the sofa or out of bed. From an outsider, I would look depressed, but I wasn’t. I would forget things all the time, something I have always been embarrassed about, and again something else that would have previously been put down to mental health illness. My mental health had improved, so why hadn’t my motivation, sleep, concentration, memory, disorganisation, and sensory issues?

I harnessed my experience of trauma and ill mental health to become a peer supporter and support others on their journeys of recovery. As part of my job, I was offered the amazing opportunity to complete the peer support educational program with CNTW. It was on the neurodivergent training day when I learned all about ADHD, and suddenly the biggest penny dropped. I had a huge realisation that there was a reason I was still struggling with day-to-day functioning.

I went on to receive a diagnosis of combined ADHD a few months later. It was the first diagnosis I’d ever received where I truly felt it “fit” and explained so many of my struggles.

I came from a neurodivergent family and have a brother and father with ADHD. However, no one ever considered whether I had ADHD too. Was it because I am a female? Was it because compared to my brother, I was well-behaved?

I came from a neurodivergent family and have a brother and father with ADHD. However, no one ever considered whether I had ADHD too. Was it because I am a female? Was it because compared to my brother, I was well-behaved?

My diagnosis explained why I struggle so much in the morning, why I leave everything until the last minute, why I interrupt people, why I have problems with sensory processing, why I’m so forgetful, why I can’t ever get organised, and the list goes on.

The moment I received that diagnosis I was able to start taking off my mask, I stopped blaming myself for all the things I thought I was just rubbish at. I can ask for help and tell people if I’m getting overwhelmed. I’m not ashamed to wear my loop earplugs to block out background noise. I’m not ashamed to tell people if I need longer to process things. I’ve accepted that I will rarely get up on time, that my wardrobe is more of a “floordrobe” and that I don’t have social anxiety (I love people!), I get overwhelmed by the noise of busy places.

The moment I received that diagnosis I was able to start taking off my mask, I stopped blaming myself for all the things I thought I was just rubbish at.

Soon after my diagnosis, I started looking around for groups or courses to try and help me understand my ADHD better and to find ways of developing strategies for making day-to-day life more compatible with my ADHD. I couldn’t find anything in my area, so I gathered a group of people with ADHD and we co-produced a 6-week course, educating people on ADHD, how it affects us, and what strategies we can use to help manage it. Ironically, the course is called “focus” and is running once a week in Carlisle. The feedback has been great so far and it’s wonderful to be able to be a part of other people’s journeys of self-discovery (as well as my own!).

It feels amazing the be able to accept myself and be authentically “me” around others. I’m not so harsh on myself anymore and I don’t get frustrated with myself as much for not being able to do things that other people can do so easily. I now know that my brain just works in a different way, and that’s ok.

A poem by Angela

I grew up in a neurodivergent household,

It presented in others as obvious and bold.

Not me, I didn’t make a scene, fight or shout,

I was invisible and seemed to be the odd one out.

I’ve spent a lot of my life in depression and shame,

I spent years in therapy and my recovery came.

A lot of my trauma I had bravely processed,

But many issues still couldn’t be addressed.

Then along came PSEP and my people I found,

No judgement, or fear, just honesty all round.

I took off my mask and was able to just be me,

Incredible people with their stories of recovery.

Then came the session on neurodivergence,

something clicked and everything made sense.

The things I’d been ashamed of all these years,

I felt safe enough to share with the rest of my peers.

I wear ear plugs because I get overwhelmed by sound,

My moods are still very much up and down.

I can’t concentrate unless I’m fidgeting or drawing,

I swear I’m not being rude or finding you boring.

If you tell me your name I’ll forget it straight away,

Sometimes I interrupt before I forget what to say.

For every time each of you have been honest and shared,

You have inspired someone else to do the same and feel less scared.

Thank you for helping me understand more about me,

Angela Lawson, finally diagnosed with ADHD.

You can sign up for the Focus course here.

If you think you might have ADHD, your GP or another health professional can refer you for an assessment by the Adult ADHD Service.